How To Storm Voldemort's Castle Easy Version
by Elliot Green
Summary: How do you storm Voldemort's castle? How many people do you need? A thousand? No! All you need is two! And all you really need is a clipboard...


**How To Storm Voldemort's Castle**

**a/n: I got this idea, and I just **_**had**_** to do it. Ron's not in this story because I think he's a git.**

XXX

Hermione nodded at Harry.  
"OK. Now we've got this super awesome weapon to kill Voldemort, but we need to be within two meters of him. However, he is not leaving his castle, therefore we have to go to him. The only spells we are able to cast is... Oh. Small charms to change our height and weight."  
"Crap. How are we going to storm the castle? We're sunk."  
"Easy. We dye our hair, wear coloured contact lenses and use make-up to hide your scar."  
"So we're disguised. How does that get us inside?"  
"Easy. Trust me. Now we just change our height and weight, and go to the shops."

XXX

Hermione strode up to the main castle door with Harry following behind her.  
"Follow my lead." She hissed at him.  
The guards crossed their wands in front of her.  
"None may enter the Dark Lord's castle."  
Hermione glared at them.  
"Shoddy job. I could take you down with one spell. How do you two stop people from storming the castle? Minus one point right there."  
The guards frowned. This wasn't at all how things were supposed to go.  
Hermione wrote something down on her clipboard and the guards shuddered. Clipboards were bad news.  
"Now let me in or I'll have your jobs."  
The guards frowned. "Now ma'am, we can't let you in without seeing some identification."  
Hermione drew herself up to her new full height. "Excuse me? That's it. You're both fired. Good-bye."  
The guards glared at her but walked away and Hermione walked through the main doors, where she was stopped by a couple of Death Eaters.  
"Who are you?" The Death Eaters shouted at her, drawing their wands.  
"Tut tut. Poor draws. Minus five points. If you continue in this matter than I will have to fail you." Her stern demeanor reminded them very much of their school teachers, and paired with her words they had a sort of flash-back. It was very scary.  
Lucius Malfoy, one of the Death Eaters, glared at her.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Tut tut. You don't know anything, do you? That's it; you're fired. Good-bye."  
Malfoy's jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"  
"It just gets worse and worse for you, doesn't it. I shall have to file a complainant on you."  
Malfoy froze. "I'm sorry?"  
"Good. It's good that you feel regret for your actions, but I'm still filing the complaint. You shall get a letter from the DPAE regarding your termination."  
Malfoy stared at her. "What?"  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Come now, Jerd, we have _other_ business to attend to than an annoying person who has no brains." Hermione continued on her way pulling Harry behind her.  
The next group of Death Eaters she faced included Bellatrix Lestrange, the almost-killer of Sirius Black.  
"Ah! Finally! We meet some _talented_ people! That Lucius Malfoy is utterly incompetent."  
Bellatrix found herself nodded before she stopped herself. "Who are you?"  
Hermione stared at her. "You don't _know_ who I am? Surely Mister..." she checked her clipboard, "Dark Lord Voldemort told you? I am the inspector." The last word sent chills down everyone's spine.  
"What inspector?" Bellatrix said, but her firm demeanor had faded a bit.  
"I'm from the DPAE."  
"And what's that?"  
"You mean you don't _know_? I shall have to give all British Dark Lords a write down now. France is definitely leading in the Dark Lord part."  
"_What_?" Bellatrix said in shock. "How could France be leading? I have to to see right away!"  
Bellatrix and the other Death Eaters in her group ran down the hall and out of sight.  
_That was easy._ She thought to herself and continued on her way.  
The next obstacle she approached was Voldemort's door, which she banged on and said, "I'm from the Dark Persons Association of Europe and we want you to join!"  
Voldemort opened the door eagerly and Hermione pushed Harry to the front. "Come on Jerd, show him the pamphlet."  
Harry reached into his pocket, pulled out his weapon and killed Voldemort.  
"That was easy." Hermione said, burning the body to ashes and putting them in a special box to show as evidence.  
"Come on, lets go get some smoothies."

XXX

**a/n: Fun! I really like this idea! I've actually had it for a while. If you carry a clipboard and glare at people while talking about failing them, you can usually get away with anything. If not, at least you have some fun before you die.  
I could so see this happening.**


End file.
